There have been many times in the past where I have been told that I have an anger management problem.
If you’ve ever read anything about cultism or brainwashing, then you are aware of the well-documented fact that the more times you hear something, the more likely you are to believe it.
I have believed the lie that I have an anger management problem for far too long. As I was discussing part of my personal development plan with my wife just last night, the topic of managing anger came up in our conversation.
As I thought about the situations where I tended to lose my temper in the past, I realized that I did not have an anger management problem, I had righteous anger.
After some introspection and asking for God’s advice, I came to the conclusion that I usually never got upset over silly things like spilling my coffee.
The events in my life that caused people to believe I had an anger management problem were always those where I felt very deeply that what had transpired was exceptionally morally wrong.
I had to try and pinpoint when I first started being angry and trace those events through time in order to understand my somewhat cynical view of the world in the present.
The first time I can remember going absolutely apeshit was when I was about 5 or 6 years old and living in Fall River, Nova Scotia. My stepfather had purchased a home in what was then a very small subdivision in the country where all the kids played together and generally got along.
All the kids in our subdivision would have to walk down to the main road at the bottom of our subdivision to get on and off the school bus each day. I guess it didn’t bother most of the other kids, but it was a rotten experience for me.
I had a best friend who lived maybe five minutes from my house by bicycle. We hung around nearly every day back then and usually got along great, but I learned to become wary of him.
Though he could be a great friend, he had a habit of turning on me when I least expected it. I was a sweet kid at that age and never would have thought about hurting anyone, but he didn’t see eye to eye with me.
It seemed like every day I got off the bus to walk home, he would suddenly get the urge to beat me up in front of all our friends. If I ran to get away, he would chase me all the way home.
I never wanted to fight and could not understand why someone would want to be so mean or how they could change so suddenly. I got into the habit of making it into the porch of our house, locking the door and then throwing a wild tantrum.
I would scream and yell at this guy through the door while throwing stuff around and he would watch me the whole time while laughing at my frustration. I would forgive him over and over, hoping that he would change, but he never did.
I was too soft-hearted and forgiving, as I still am today, to hold a grudge or to hate him for what he did to me. I just wanted to get along. I never saw or felt the need to be cruel.
I was never anrgy at my friend for what he did to me. I was angry at the fact that he had the capacity to hurt me. I was angry that he could pretend so well to be my friend for extended periods and then tear my heart out anew each time he decided it was time to terrorize me again.
I have seen this pattern of behaviour time and again in my life. Though it has not always been physical in nature, I have been deeply wounded by people I thought would never be disloyal to me over and over.
I remember back in grade seven, I was standing in the schoolyard minding my own business when I made the grave error of making eye contact with one of the bullies at my school.
He was walking with a friend of his who told him that I insulted him. They guy walks over to me and asks me if I called him a name, to which I responded “no” of course, but to no avail.
It seems like yesterday that he was holding my chin in one hand while he cocked his fist back and asked the kids around us if he should hit me. Kids can be cruel. They all agreed that I needed to be punched, so he hit me…HARD.
Though I never left my feet, I actually blacked out each of the three times he punched me in the face. I would wake up long enough to see spots before the next punch landed. I never hit this guy back. I walked away instead.
I had to run away from him after school because he was waiting for me and everyone expected a big fight. I had no interest in harming another human being, so I did the only thing I knew how to do and ran until he stopped chasing me.
I was labeled a coward back then for avoiding fights like I did. I now realize that it takes much more strength to walk away from a fight than it does to take part in one.
I am glad to have been like the Lord Jesus Christ back then before I even knew Him. He set the ultimate example for us in that even though He is God in the flesh and could have erased those who beat Him from existence, He bore their beatings and never once retaliated.
I will admit that there were a few times in my life where I shot my mouth off to the wrong people and deserved what was coming to me, but for the most part, it just seemed like I had a massive bully bulls eye on my back.
Having learned at an early age to take my anger out on inanimate objects, I became a menace to my mother’s household in my teens. There were holes in all the walls and doors, and I used to throw paring knives at the cupboards over and over. What a stupid kid I was sometimes.
In both these past situations along with others, I was never angry that something happened to me, I was righteously angry that it could happen. This righteous anger of mine continued to build in later years and quite frankly, is still with me today to some degree.
I recently had a breakthrough with my righteous anger management though. As my wife and I discussed my troubles, it became clear that the majority of my righteous anger stemmed from a lack of trust I had toward other people.
It seems like every friend I have ever had has suddenly turned their back on me for no apparent reason at some time. Then there’s the fact that my father left my mom when I was just a kid and I never got the chance to know him. I have tried on various occasions to re-establish a relationship, but he never makes an effort and it breaks my heart, so I have stopped trying.
I also had a problem with trust in past relationships where it seemed like every time I poured my heart out to the girl I loved, she would run screaming into the distance. No matter how many times they promised they would never leave, they always did. I am so grateful to have finally met my beautiful wife because I know we’ll be together forever.
All this lack of trust and abundance of righteous anger was making me a not-very-approachable person. I wondered why it seemed like nobody ever wanted to talk to me, and came to the conclusion that due to the prejudices my past created, I must be pushing people away unconsciously through body language and facial expressions.
What saddened me the most was that the lack of trust I had in people was affecting my relationship with God and the Lord Jesus Christ. God was telling me to trust Him and I had a huge stumbling block in my path that had been built up over 30 years or so.
I recently made the commitment to God and to myself in view of my own personal development plan, to do my best to get over my righteous anger management problem where the character and trustworthiness of others is concerned.
I have made a commitment to not let my past experiences colour the relationships I have yet to participate in or am currently involved in, including my relationship with God. I was in a state where I was convinced that I could trust nobody. That is a terribly lonely way to live.
If you are holding onto righteous anger over past events, why not take the opportunity to forgive and forget. Ask God to remove those old feelings from you. Take solace in the fact that though you must be always on your guard with man, there is one person you can always count on to never leave your side. That person, given to us by God is the Lord Jesus Christ Himself, God in the flesh.
Though there have been many mentors and father-type figures in my life who have ultimately let me down, I know that the Lord Jesus Christ never will. I am overjoyed to have given my life to Him and now live only to serve Him. Know like I do that no matter how bad things may seem at any time, He will never leave you nor put on you more than you are able to handle.
With Him by my side, I am slowly learning how to trust again and becoming a much happier person in the process.
